Being the awkward child that I was in my pre-teen years, the moment I was introduced to make-up, I was all in. I remember putting the first bit of the stuff on my face one Easter Sunday morning. Right around 13 year old, in a sparkly turquoise turtleneck tank top (yes, this description in not a mistake) and my blown out poof-ed hair parted down the middle, this little extra coverage was what I thought I needed.
I remember walking into church and an older lady came rushing to me and said:
“Wow! Kristin….. Are you wearing make up? You look…. Different. Very beautiful! I mean… not that you never looked beautiful….”
Yeah…. Right. As if she approached me as eagerly every Sunday to tell me how beautiful I looked.
Wasn’t quite the case.
With so many incidents, such as this one, I began to believe that I needed this goop or paste or powdery stuff to make me look presentable.
My eyes are very blue, and in comparison to my pale skin, it’s quite predictable they’re this color, really. But, for some reason, once I put some dark marks near my blue eyes, everyone noticed them… “Wow, your eyes are so blue. Never noticed them before.”
Alas, here begins the crutch.
I’m not sure if I was crutchin’ on the fact that everyone else started to notice features of my face or the praise in itself…. But I was clinging to something in this scenario. What was I not letting go of?
This stuff.
I can’t think of many days after 8th grade that I didn’t wear eyeliner. I’ve kept it in my backpack and my purse and my wallet and rarely leave it at home for the day.
(Attn. Men in the current state of unaware:
Eyeliner: the stuff that is dark that girls put under or above their eyes to make them look smoky, defined, etc. If you do not know what smoky or defined means, then I would suggest to ask your nearest female… but you’re interest in how make up works is starting to confuse me.)
The crutch and its presence in my life:
Before school? All crutched up.
In my sweats, studying with friends? I got my crutch.
Before a cross-country race? Crutched.
Do you think this crutch of mine would be obvious?
Naw, I was completely blind. (I couldn’t see…. But at least I had some eye make-up on!)
About two weeks ago I was getting ready in the morning and I didn’t have any make up on. It was the clearest I had seen my eyes, free of any substance unnatural, and it was almost as if I didn’t recognize myself.
Didn’t recognize myself?
I’ve come to understand that a great deal of my life is based on what I crutch upon.
I’m tired.
I need a nap. Or coffee.
Something bad happens.
I need to talk to a wise person with strong advice, pronto.
It’s quiet.
Turn the radio on.
I’m hungry.
What’s the closest thing to eat?
I’m slightly stressed or stir crazy.
Time for my run.
These last three days I’ve been at a leadership conference, Catalyst, in Atlanta, GA listening to speakers such as Mark Driscoll, Jim Collins, Francis Chan, and Andy Stanley (to name just a few) and to say I am overwhelmed with the way God used this experience to change and grow my heart would be an understatement and there is no way I could delve into this in a single blog post.
Francis Chan spoke to us (13,000 leaders and young people and some old people and some very, very young people) about the importance of the presence of God. One statement that has echoed in my own life in this “crutch” thinking was this question:
When was the last time you desired to just be with God?
I do desire…and there is so much that I think I need.
What do I really need?
God’s presence.
That’s it. It’s not complicated. Not in a self-help book. Not in a friend. Not in a good run. Not in looking better or doing better.
When I was processing this question, I was reminded of the moment I actually looked in the mirror completely makeup free, hardly being able to recognize myself.
I think when we aren’t being alone with God and we decide to hold on to our own personal crutch(es), we will find ourselves hardly recognizing who we are becoming.
People might even talk us into believing that the things we hold onto are good and that if we let go we may lose attractive qualities, progress, success, or whatever else.
What if, at the moment I felt I needed some thing or some one I just spent time with God?
What does it even look like to be in the PRESENCE of God?
Talking to God frequently throughout the day is a habit of mine and I believe God hears my prayers to Him. But, do I seek His presence…. His company…. alone? Nothing else?
God and I have some serious catching up to do and I have much that I need to let go. And I don’t think I should be doing all the talking, either. It’s time I listen to God and let the things that I hold onto instead of Him to….. Disappear.
Maybe when I rid myself of the crutch, God will be able to speak.
And maybe I’ll actually hear him.
If I actually hear him, maybe then he’ll be able to change my life in a radical way.
If God continues to change my heart, then I can share this transformation with other crutchers….
When we are crutchin’, we aren’t looking on the outside.
We’re focused on how to get what we think we need instead of letting God supply what we truly need
.
God, You’re all I need to get by. God, help me to let go of what I think I need in order to better see you and better see the people you want me to love.
PS: I’ve got about a week now wearing considerably less make up (including NO eyeliner). Honestly, it hasn’t been comfortable and there have been times I haven’t felt as pretty. But, what I have found is that this thing I’ve been holding on to doesn’t make me more beautiful. I don’t think my face demands the makeup but the demand I have always had the approval of others! God has is showing me what it means to release a crutch.
Just the start of what I need to cross off my crutch list so I can get it down to just One.
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