Brighter Tunnel

These last few months I’ve been going through a process with Teach for America- a non-profit that places young leaders in classrooms desperate for good teachers. Because of my conviction that every child deserves the opportunity for a equal, quality education, I applied and endured the six week process full with an essay, phone interview, test, evaluation, lesson performance, group project, and full length, in person interview. Weeks of time and energy were poured into the experience and it quickly morphed from an appealing option to an emotional investment.

And I did not want to fail.

Nevertheless, after an affirmative interview, I experienced rejection and all the passion quickly numbed to speechlessness. I immediately thought: Why? How? Who?

What. Now.

Sometimes you make plans and with those plans come expectations.... and when they’re not met you’re disappointed. Often I attribute rejection to God’s will and assume that it was not the right prospect of a future to offset the feelings of embarrassed inadequacy. Behind the “This must not be God’s plan” talk there were feelings of embarrassed inadequacy, I must admit.

After the revealing of the Teach for America status, a surprise break-up, a Cross Country team’s second place finish and loss by only one point, a second-rate running performance by my own self, and depravation of sleep, Saturday night a best friend of mine and I broke down in my Chevy Malibu. Stuck on the side of 27^th Street at 11 PM, we began walking down the road in the dark, hopelessly unaware of cars, how they work, and whether or not I was out of gas or the transmission blew up. (Is that what transmissions do?)

We began laughing, crying (because we were laughing), and filled with delight to be alive and together and to have carried on despite a bad day.

Still smiling with some of my favorite people after a not-so-good race.

In that moment I found peace in the character of God and how His love is reflected and the blessing of community.

As I kept laughing, I was encompassed with joy and the disappointment of the days prior became pale and hope cultivated within my soul.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and it actually happens to be quite bright in here.

This last weekend it was 70 degrees and sunny on Saturday and on Sunday I walked outside early in the morning and saw the frost on the trees. Sometimes there are drastic changes. One day may be good and the next could be very, very... well, not-so-good. 

This is a reminder that it’s not so much of God’s plan being perfectly set out for me to precisely follow. Rather trust in the hope that God is carrying me and giving purpose in every step, trust in each failure, and diminishing fear in all life’s bleak or unknown phases. Most importantly, an example in the life of Jesus. All moments are a gift and this life isn’t my own. I just am looking to find a way to best serve like Him while I’m here.

So, for all those twenty-somethings, thirty-somethings, or eighty-somethings wondering what's next, this is my best answer: God's never ending pool of grace in whatever path you choose (or don't choose). 

"God helps us where fear holds us. Our feet wouldn't touch the bottom even in the shallow end of His love"-Bob Goff, Love Does