Fear and Belief

Fear.


I have been thinking about my life and what has ailed me and what has motivated me. The first thing that came to my mind?


Fear.


One of my greatest fears has always been singing in front of an audience. I suppose this all started when I burped (it was more of a resonating belch, actually) during a middle school solo in front of a large group of people. Perhaps it was the song that I sang at the informal youth group talent show. Did I say "sang"? It was more of a "music started playing, ran out crying, came back humiliated" sort-of-deal. 


Why was I so afraid? I don't think it was because I thought I'd look stupid or forget the words. Simply put: I did not believe in myself.


This last year, I finally faced my fear by singing a solo audition in front of many people at my college. Was it terrifying? Yes. I was scared as heck. 


It was different this particular time. Different from every time I had started shaking, crying, or feeling just plain ol' insecure. I decided to believe. I decided to believe I could do it! And I did.


I have spent much time feeling insecure. Wasted time.


Too afraid to say what I need to say.


Too scared to be who I want to be. 


Who I need to be.


What am I afraid of most?


Losing those I love. Losing the respect I have gained. Making a bad decision. Not working hard enough. Not gaining the approval I feel I deserve. And the list goes on...


Paul addresses the issue of seeking confidence from within ourselves instead of gaining it from Christ in the book of Corinthians:


"We couldn't carry this off by our own efforts, and we know it—even though we can list what many might think are impressive credentials. The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness." (Chapter 3, The Message)


What does matter is where my heart lies.


I had quite the epiphany today. I realized how prideful I can be. Not necessarily a narcissistic "look-in-the-mirror" type (though I have been known to take a glance in a window as I am walking by ;) ). But my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts that have to do with MYSELF. Whether it is my fears, my stresses, my pains. Everyday I walk in my own fear, I mind as well tell God: 

"God, I don't believe in you!"

Everyday I walk in my own fear, I choose to live selfishly. 


Everyday I walk in my own fear, I am choosing to follow my faulty, doomed-to-fail plan instead of accepting his perfect, pure truth and love.


Everyday that I am consumed in what is causing me confusion or discomfort is one that I refuse to acknowledge that Christ gives me life, strength, and healing.


I claim to trust God, to follow him...


Why am I constantly under my own spells of worry and anxiety?


Bottom line: the world does not revolve around me. in fact, my life is not about me. I need to act like I believe.


I must believe.