Thorn in the flesh.

I've been extremely blessed. I have experienced a lot of activities, groups of people, relationships, and have strong role models in my life. I've accomplished a few small things, and some people think I'm a good person and upon recently winning an "award" for being recognized as a good person, I find myself confused.

I know myself better then anyone and the moments I find myself humbled by my massive imperfections and how far I find myself from the selflessness, focus, and drive of many in my life I see as examples. When I'm caught in my pride of some sort of accomplishment that I believe I've achieved on my own it's never too far from a moment I'm ashamed, recognizing my desperate need of the grace of God. 

Paul received a great deal of  from the Corinthian church upon ministering for them. He was trying to help them to change their selfish living and was harshly criticized for not having charismatic speaking skills, not showing up when they felt they needed him, and perhaps more. After hearing all of this, he boasts, but not in how much he's helped him thus far, not in how far he is in his spiritual journey in comparison to their worldly struggles... he points out that he has great weaknesses, struggles, and even a "thorn in his flesh" (possibly a physical ailment such as blindness or a speech issue).

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delightin weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:7-10

When I read this, I feel I have it all backwards. When I'm feeling up and I think I'm pretty awesome, I thank and praise God, but when I'm stuck in my struggles, in an seemingly unsolvable issue, a hopeless state, I'm mad. I call shenanigans: 

"This is unfair.""I don't deserve this!" "WHY!".

These are the moments I need to recognize the unfailing love and unceasing pour out of grace that can be received from Him. Shame on me for thinking I'm great, because he even works through my greatest weaknesses. 

Yesterday I found myself extremely frustrated because a personal race did not go the way I wanted it to go, and with being beat in the last stretch, I was mad. I thought I deserved better. With a total team win, an outpouring of encouragement, and simply snapping out of my arrogance and selfishness, I found myself realizing how far I am from being a great person. Yet, in this weakness, God can make me stronger... and I apparently needed the reminder.

I'm a messed up person with massive thorns in my flesh.  Nothing I've accomplished in my life has been from the grace of God, so let my boasting be only because of his awesomeness, because without it, I'm no good.