When you want it the least.

Why do we put ourselves through this?

It was a Monday and getting out of bed felt similar to lifting an anvil off the ground, except this time it was my sore, heavy, exhausted body and mind thinking "this is the START of the day...the week?" All I could think about was getting back into bed.... 17 hours later.


As I dragged through my classes I regretted putting my running shoes on- "it's cold", " I have to wait tables tonight- isn't that enough exercise?", "but I can't do this without a substantial nap.... but I can't sleep... and there's studying to be done". 


The first mile was rough- against the wind, feeling like a wind-up soldier with robotic movement. Then, my body began to get warm from the heat in my sweatsuit and the sun hit the thin layer of snow and sparkled just enough to brighten up the scene. I kept going and 45 minutes later I found myself running at a much quicker pace then my wind-up solider-self started. 


Perhaps it was simply the cool lack-of-a-breeze and the sunshine I'd missed walking from class to class or my low expectations being exceeded tremendously- whatever the reason, this run on a day that began with feeling terrible was immensely gratifying. 


There are a great deal of things in my life that I have apathy toward, yet, feel a pull to do, or say, or join, or stop doing. Usually the tugs on my heart that I receive to start something good, stop something bad, or do some thing that scares me are overwhelmed by thoughts of doubt, fear, or a straight forward:

 "I don't want to do it!"

I still giggle from all the "do do's".... and I can identify with Paul in Romans 7:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 


So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"


This internal battle is not new- in fact, it only our humanness satisfied with our condition conflicting with the way God sees our world. Those tugs on my heart are often the Holy Spirit of God working within me and those doubts, fears, and apathetic attitude are not from God at all.


I've often heard people tell me "when something good is about to happen in your life is when satan really tires to get at 'ya." and I believe this to be true. My favorite song by my favorite band (A running analogy AND my favorite band all in one post? I'm selfish, forgive me.)  Needtobreathe, addresses three lies from satan in the song Devil's Been Talkin' (<--listen to it here) :


"We can't change": It's not easy. This is the way it's always been. I'm cool with how I am- I'm not that bad. 


"It's who we are": It's my human nature. Can't I do this for myself one time?


"We are all alone.": No one cares. No one knows how I'm feeling. Who will go with me?


These are only a few, but it's a start of identifying the voices on our heads that in our head that come from God and separating those from our emotions, fears, and doubts that are far from God's vision for our lives. When we listen to our internal struggles and organize thoughts into categories, one of storage and one of garbage, it helps you find the truth. Of course, this takes purposeful action- you have to want it- and that's quite a battle... for me.


So, put on your running shoes when you want it the least- do what you do not want to do- for in these moments of reluctance we find ourselves most satisfied with the goodness of God.